::NED Archive::

"What's the difference between a sick mallard and your mother? Well, one's a duck with a cold and, I don't remember the rest, but your mother's a whore."

A Sean Connery Day well spent.

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The above was taken from megans away message. and WHOOOO is it accurate. Sean Connery day was a complete success, (except for Mike H who tried to blame its tendencies on violence!!!! BLASPHEMY!!)

It was a crazy party, with many events including; Killing hookers, stealing cars, and talking in Sean Connery accents. there was not a better time had, ANYWHERE on the face of the earth. promise. i have so much to talk about today, i dont know where to start. hmm, let us check the email, mayhaps i have something for the site... hey hey, i got some pics from liz and de from their recent trip to visit us in ann arbor. <---(no U in "arbor", fuckn french) Plus De sent me a rant, so i'll throw that up like a sorostitute keeping her skeletal figure.

There, her rant is up. For thoughs of you who hate exploration, probably havent found the rants section yet. STUPID INGRATES!!! to find the rants, simply click "Junction C" on the left bar. i havent really made the graphics easy to use yet, im going to give them Mouse_Over properties, so you can tell what they are when you hover over them. "Junction B" isnt really built up yet, its where all my weird is going to go, like the shit people send me, and the stuff i find spewed across the internet like feces.

Ok, so back to the festivities of YESTER EVE!!! it started off with me getting there around 4:00 ish, i was the first one there, which was good, 'cause megan and i had to put little Sean Connery stickers on everything. I dont remember who showed up in what order, but i met a few cool people last night, and we had a blast. before the actual Connery movies started, we played Grand Theft Auto, which i am CONVINCED is the BEST GAME EVER. You can steal a car, pick up a whore, have sex with her, then run her over, all in the same day!!! HOW AMAZING IS THIS GAME?!?!? I like the fact that you can pull someone out of their car, then run them over with it whilst they try to get it back from you. OH! and the drive bys!!! amazing. (side note: im totally sitting in a weird ass position right now.) I am going to pick up that game tonight. i feel it needs to be a part of my life. Ive already beat "Zeonic Front" and ive almost beat Rez (which is the Galaga for the new age, i swear) Im still working on Final Fantasy 10, ive been lazy, i know. ok, im trailing off... back to Sean Connery day. So after killing hookers for like, 3 hours, we watched a little TV, and ate food. (the Fack'n chinese food guy didnt get there for like 2 bloody hours!) We then preceeded to watch "Dr. No" which wasnt taken seriously at all. It was riddle with ebonix voice-overs, and silly jokes. IT WAS GREAT. We all decided that "Ebonix" should be included in one of the MANY language features on DVDs. All went well, except for the call we got from Seans lawyers, they tried to threaten us, be we put the smack down, and they didnt call back. *whew*

But much like the end of the world, Sean Connery day ended not in fire, but in ice... well... not really. but it was cold outside, so i guess it kinda did... SHUT UP!

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Ok, so there is a lot of 9-11 shit going on today because of the whole 6 months yada yada yada BULLSHIT! Im not going to say much about this, because it has already been perpetuated ENOUGH. Yeah, lots of people died, that sucks, but i want a taco. lets just go get some tacos...

i think i made MY point... or somthing...

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Well its starting to get warm outside, which means one thing if you live downtown, HOMELESS PEOPLE! and to help get through the homeless people months, i have compiled a list of easy ways to get them to stop begging you for "a square" or "spare change"

When homeless people talk to you, consult one of the following:

Scream "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!" about 2 inches from their face. the trick to this is to do it COMPLETELY unexpected. you will either A. kill them, or B. kill them. either outcome is good.

Kick them until they bleed EVERYWHERE and take all their hard earned money.

Use ONLY Polysyllabic words. (this usually results in explosion of the head)

get REALLY close to them and say "NEEEEEEEEEAAAR" then waddle away like your holding a bowling pin between your ass cheeks and say "FAAAAAAAAAAAR". Rinse and repeat for maximum wackiness.

scream "FIRE RAPE!" while running around them in circles holding your hands over your asshole.

just look at them with a blank face, and every time they try to speak just scream a short "BEP!"

But if your the type that likes to actually GIVE them money, you should at least get your moneys worth, so here are a few ways you can feel good about helping them out, but still be entertained.

Get a few homeless people together, tell them you have a $100 bill, and your going to give it to the last man standing in an all out grudge battle. then hand out the weapons. (of course, you dont REALLY need to have a $100, homeless people will do many things on faith.)

Make them sing a song about their life. thats usually fun, because they dont remember much of it. which turns into a song of mostly "ands", "buts" and "ifs"

Have them write a 300 word essay on "why I am destroying the theory of economy"

offer them a dollar for every minute they stand on their head. trust me, you wont loose much money, but you'll have HOURS of entertainment.

Make them say the pledge of allegiance. chances are, they know what it is, but will stumble through it for at least 5 min.

Make 2 of them argue who the better homeless person is, and promise a $5 bill to the victor of the debate.

Well, i hope these simple steps help you get through the homeless seasons. Use them as you feel fit. and happy hunting.

-Dis foo right heeeaaar