mental ari+hmetic

Fear: My brain is currently Defcon 1, with a terror alert of RED.

fuck fuck shit ass fuck. Its becoming overwhelmingly clear how abrupt my life has halted. Unintentionally, it seems i have idled my way directly into the duldrums of mental existence. Its going to take a crew of 80, to pull me out of this rut, however im mouth fucking a large cup of coffee right now, which we all have come to understand, is the source of my man-beast like abilities to rant.

Starting from the top, my brain has been swarming with head locusts. They came from which, i do not know, however, their intent is clear and unjust. I cant focus, even for a second, on a cognizant thought. I am merely a tool of my surroundings. hard to explain really, i wish to god i had the B man with me to ease my mental suffering. Its been a while since ive sat at my deck with nothing but that beautiful composition of sweet sweet ear sex. oh how i miss the 9th.

to further aid my chaotic ramblings, i've loaded bassdrive in winamp. A heard of amelodic clicks booms and whistles combats my conscious at 140 beats per minute.

[5 min stare at wall session]

and yet again, i have driven my train of thought directly into satins mouth.

where were we? ah yes, "the top" as too which from where were starting. My life lacks structure. What little frame-work my past relationship was offering is now gone, and now all that resides is my unguided mind, pitch awe and rolling through space. Ive attempted over the past 3-4 months, to franticly cling to anything that could ground me. unfortunately, to now avail. It seems a healthy dose of self reliance is in order. A tricky bit it will be, to preserve my chaotic woven pattern, along with my sanity... hmm (the calculating type).

as i think back to the time i spent starting this website, i am reminded of my mental state, and how at one time i believed the squirrels in my ceiling were plotting against me. Perhaps trying is the source of my failure. I was overly productive back then, after all, i posted on this website everyday, and from what i can remember, had many pioneering projects in my life. I had never built a website before NED, nor did i know the slightest thing about PHP or databases. I owe a large chunk of my brain to this creation of mine, and the drive behind that learning bout was the absence of care.

Really, i just need to read more JTHM.

So then, i trust i shall be posting more often, (i mean it this time) as i would like to regain footing in this mind of mine.

chaos and all.

-Fuck